my restless mind.
Saturday, July 03, 2004
my purpose in HAWAII
i was blessed to meet the coolest locals from the island. i arrived on a full moon, which the hawaiians claimed as a superstition for intense things to happen. they have treated me with straight royal vip status since i've been here. every night i was in an open mic, an open bar, a club, a jam session, a garage party. the party never stops. i slept an average 4 hours every night. the nights are as warm as the day. its the same but just with the absence of the sun.
i was introduced as "katya from the mainland" a hundred million times it seemed. i've met so many people in the last few days that i'm boggled. i think i have achieved cali celebrity status. the hip hop scene is weak. but the guys i roll with here are on top of the game and im fortunate to have stumbled into their circle.
note: i have not seen one freakin hot guy yet!extra note: girls here are over-rated, exaggerated, and unappreciated.
the story goes like: island boy meets island girl. they finish highschool and quit. they make baby. girl moves in with boyfriend's family. girl raises baby while island boy cruises living paycheck to paycheck. the end. thats life here.
MY PURPOSE HERE
i realized how i united a large group of friends on the island within a span of four days. they all came out together everyday to take me out and show me around. consequently, they bonded with each other as they bonded with me. we drove along the coast to north shore, we cruised up to diamond head, we ate at the local joints, we hung and did nothing all day. old friends became new friends again. laughter entered their lives. the spice of life from the bay had an effect on these guys i think. it was a slap in the face, a rude awakening if you will. the contrast between the silicon valley and hawaii made us both realize we need to seek balance. we take the things our environment for granted. i motivated them to work hard and set goals. they inspired me to slow down and enjoy life.
my breakdown.
i stared at the ocean horizon the second day i was here. fear took over my body. i was afraid. i was afraid of failure. i was afraid of the unknown. i was afraid because for once in my life, i have absolutely no control of where this ride was going. i had little money, no sense of direction, no job, no family, no car, and no idea of what i wanted to do with my life at the moment. i wanted to cry, but i was never alone. someone was always there with me. i had no down time to myself. i felt suffocated. i felt unstable. i took a deep breath and the waves crashing on the shore made me feel more alive than i've ever felt in a long, long time.
few notes:
-vegetation is crazy
-showers feel better than sex
-too hot to have sex
-being fat is cool here
-food comes cheap and large
-the moon talks here
-spirituality is part of this island
-reggae aint no joke
-spam aint no joke
-heart attacks aint no joke
-no one tells good jokes
oahu!
wow friends! this is crazy. here i am in oahu HAWAII. i came here a week before my room opens up and i had no idea who'd i stay with or what to do. a friend of a friend of a friend came to pick me up from the honolulu airport. i didnt even know who to look for because i didnt know what he looked like.
keoki was his name. he took me in, (a complete strangerA!)and housed me, fed me, showed me around, introduced me to every person worth meeting in this island. i couldn't believe the love and generosity that was offered to me.
a few words about hawaii. EVERYONE smokes weed. if you don't, you will. i was welcomed to oahu immediately with a nice blunt. i found myself with a bunch of local boys that i didnt know at a bar drinking 6 pitchers of beer at 2pm on a tuesday. then we ate. cheap, big, and good. seriously, ppl here have NOTHING to do. we continued this same regimine everyday after that.
i thought the slow paced lifestyle would be hard for me to adapt to. it wasnt. its easy to be lazy here. time moves incredibly slow and its okay. its too damn hot to move. its too damn hot to sleep. its too damn hot to do breathe. so people drink and smoke to alleviate boredom. that boredom then is converted to laziness and idleness. i was sucked in immediately. after 6 glasses of beer on what seemed like the hottest day of my life, i laid back in my chair and felt my body morph into a big pile of mush. my clothes melted into my skin. my feet were caked with dirt around where my flipflops left skin exposed. cockroaches the size of my thumb were flying around my face. my hair stuck to my scalp and sweat lined my brow and neck. the salty taste of hawaii sat on my lips and every part of my existence begged to retire.
Saturday, June 05, 2004
CARPE DIEM
if you see her, talk to her. if she smiles, smile back. if its there, take it. if its not, find it. if you feel it, say it. if you're afraid, life ends right there. seize the day, my dear friend.
wow, your interest in my life makes me interested.
i've been doing cartwheels and holding hands like no tomorrow. i was photographed at an intersection in the city running a yellow. your toenails are yellow. i've been waking up in odd places with odd faces. i've been drinking beer like water. judge me all you want. i'm doing this for YOU.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
aye dios mio! ACCIDENTE!
shit. i'm the biggest idiot of all time. here i am, fully obsessed with my new digital camera. i love it. i take it everywhere. i view my picture taking skills on the little screen when i'm bored with life. i think its the most inventive gadget out there. its my new boyfriend. it makes me happy and doesn't talk back.
the problem is, i love to share my new little boyfriend and what it can do to everyone, at all times.
me and Ara were driving down the freeway. we were in the slow lane, driving fast. (he's weird.) anyway, i was showing him this dope picture i took the other night, and being the patient & observant guy he is, he completely engages in looking at my digital pic. he was commenting on how cool it was as he was still looking at it while driving.
i look up.
i see us approaching the car ahead of us at an alarming rate.
i scream STOP!
he slams on the breaks.
smoke appears.
the smell of burning rubber enter through our windows.
for the few delayed seconds between the time he hit the breaks and when the cars impacted, my mind i thought of nothing else except, "oh shit, we're gonna get in a car accident."
before we even hit the car in front of us, i've already come to terms with the fact that we got in an accident. it was strange. kind of like i already knew what was going to happen and i'm okay with it.
anyway, we hear screeching followed by a loud bump and there it was...my first car accident. and i wasn't even driving!
it was all my fault though. if only i didnt ask for his attention while driving. im such an inconsiderate person! i hate me.
he wasnt even mad at me. he was calm and cool about everything. the funny thing was, when they got out to exchange insurance information, i still had my camera in my hand and i took pics of the whole thing. hahah. the lady we hit was some asian biatch. she had like 3 kids in the back without their seatbelts. i don't even think she had insurance. she said exactly, "you have trouble wid me, i no need give you my policy numba!"
Ara's nice silver truck was now a dented piece of crap. the bumper was pushed pretty far in and the asian lady's crappy '84 honda was untouched.
i bought him sushi and showered him with love and money. i spent the whole day trying desperately to entertain him. hopefully, i succeeded when i slow danced with the homeless guy in the middle of the street.
ADVICE OF THE MONTH: DONT SHOW YOUR FRIENDS ANYTHING COOL WHILE DRIVING. if its that cool, it deserves their full attention someplace else. haha.
Monday, May 31, 2004
people from the past, stalkers, and cheap beer.
if its true that we are the makers of our own misery, then i must be an engineer! i'm damn good at creating chaos out of nothing.
this has been a hectic week. i've gone to too many grad parties, bars, shows, and friends' houses to satisfy my party appetite for months. i think all this going out is due to my new outlook on san jose. now that i know i'm leaving this place, i've been able to fully appreciate what it has to offer. i find myself fervently defending san jose in comparison to my new destination. the thought of leaving here just makes me strive to hold on to it even more. its interesting.
i saw him yesterday. him, refering to the significant him. it was strangely intoxicating. i cant deny the nervous energy circulating through my being. it was like seeing an old childhood friend on the street somewhere yet you dont want to approach to speak to them. you argue with yourself whether it's worth it to get their attention. instead, you just sit and watch, and remember. just seeing them for that moment is like having an hour long conversation. the distance means nothing. they are there sharing space with you and thats all that matters. for that moment, he was my lost childhood friend.
he looks the same. he was the regular him, minus me. his smile seemed different. his eyes were empty. his spirit seemed somber.
i saw him again later that night somewhere else. i entered. there he stood directly in my path. there was no escaping. i stood there and paused for a minute while my thoughts and rationality battled out in my brain. our eyes connected. i smiled the most undefined smile my face ever produced. i didn't know how i felt. i didn't know what my smile presented. we both stood there, paralyzed by the unknown. we shook hands like strangers. and just like that, we entered into that familiar space we once shared. its crazy how one moment can revive years of emotion.
we danced. we danced hard. we danced like the world was our stage and the audience was on mute. there was a fusion of energy between us that radiated around. the material world disappeared and something real reappeared. i've never danced so intimately with someone without even physically touching. though it was brief, it was nonetheless powerful.
that is not to say that i'm back at square one. this is just rina saying that i've learned, i've accepted, and i appreciate all that has been and that is to come. its a beautiful thing. i admit, for a moment there, i stood back and watched him move. those all too familar movements and gestures made me realize how much a part me he is, and the reverse. for once, i'm capable of saying,"good for him. good for me. lets move on."
all was good until Stalker came along. i leaned against the wall to catch my breath. Stalker approaches and says, "I like your style." he didnt look harmful, yet he didn't look likeable either. i wasn't interested but i nodded and gave my name. he began following me to different circles. somehow that transcended into dancing next to me, then dancing with me, then not letting me dance with anyone else. he had a death grip on my arm the whole night. he didnt seem half bad UNTIL...they played a really bad jiggy song and he started freaking me to it. shocked and appalled, i told him i needed to use the restroom. i escaped, but when i came out, there he was. i went outside, there he was. i went inside, there he was. i went to sleep, and in my dreams, there he was! at one point of the night, i stepped on his shoe and he bent down to dust it. that did it for me. i left. i lied and i left. i told him i'm from out of state and i'm going back next week. such a pathetic lie for such a pathetic guy.
i met up with my girls and drank cheap beer and passed out.
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
too much shit goin on.
lets recap.
i saw rjd2 and ClubQ in the city. it was dope as hell. he said my name during the set and then we made out for an hour and had ten million babies.
i went to Clandestine last minute wearing a dirty hoodie and jeans, and i run into the X. i kept my hood on and hid the whole night.
i finished school. shook all of my professors' hands.
i battled my girls to the game of Cranium and killed them all! i did a headstand everytime i answered a question right.
i went to UCsantacruz to watch dreamcypher where no one has ever seen a girl breakdance before.
i went to the city by myself just because, just because.
i took pictures of downtown sj to remind myself how there's really nothing to take pictures of here.
i bought 3 extra battery packs for my new digital camera because i waste so much time taking pictures of nothing.
i cut my toenails.
i was dancing with Val last night and a drunk frat guy asked me, "why are u dancing off beat?" and i sucka punched him in the face while my girl dropped kicked him from the back.
we've been going out every damn day of the week so it feels like one continuous day this month. justification: i'm going to SECRET LOCATION for the summer and my bestgalpal is going to singapore.
IM GONNA LET LOOSE IN SAN JOSE BEFORE I GO!
Saturday, May 15, 2004
enough is enough. when do relationships really die?
how do people know when a relationship is completely over? i'm speaking the kind of relationship that gets resuscitated so many times that it actually died somewhere along the process but you just don't know when. or how. or what. those are the recondite relationships that eat away at your soul, yet you sit there and watch yourself deteriorate because of one simple justification: love.
you gather up so much strength and determination to erase this person from your mind. you tell yourself you're ok, that you're happy and you're happy for them. you keep busy and smile all the damn time. one morning you wake up and you're not thinking of that person anymore.
then, all of a sudden it comes back to life with one glance, one phone call, or one chance meeting on a sidewalk in the middle of May. one anything.
for me, it just took one word. "hello."
i guess his "hello" reverberated into some undisturbed part of my memory and triggered a rude awakening. it all came rushing back. i was sold. somehow just the sound of his voice made me understand that relationships like these never really die. they attach themselves to your existence and every encounter you make with someone else is just a pathetic comparison.
with this on my mind, i consult with my guy friend Cutso. i tell him the whole deal. he looks at me in bewildernment. he said, with anger in his voice, "rina, i know you're a smart girl, but you sound fucking stupid right now."
i guess it was time to murder my feelings.
Apollo Sunshine at the blank club
i went to the Blank to catch this new band Apollo Sunshine from Boston. they fucking rocked man!(wow, that sounded so white.) i took tons of digital pictures. i hung out with the band for a bit. they rocked their brains out. like, seriously.
every single band member could play every instrument. they had a freakin trumpet, ukelele, and xylophone. they wore strobe lights around their necks. they had tight boys' shirts and dirty hair. they had a superb vocal range. they could flip their style of music. the lead guitarist was AMAZING. he looked like a skinny Bam Margera. they were funny and creative. oh yeah, and cute and nerdy.
www.apollosunshine.com
i went to my friend paolo's house and ate chicken at 1am. then we watched a documentary on ron jeremy. it was hilarious! he's so fat and greasy.
i went home. i was sober all night. im cool.
Friday, May 14, 2004
Jurassic 5
so i went to MILK in the city last night. i was expecting a normal $5 thursday night of cheap thrills and expensive drinks. i went with a guy friend. one of those guy friends who won't mind if he loses you to some drunken cutie at the bar after he just spent $50 on drinks for you. yeah, one of those exceptionally rare finds, where there's a no ultimate attraction yet the male-female tension still exists. he's a great guy. ask me if you're interested. (haha, i know he's reading this.)
i was standing outside on the curb noticiing the abnormally large crowd. i turn to two girls smoking cigarettes at the wrong end. i grab her cigarette from her mouth and turn it the right way. "you don't want to smoke the butt."
they look at me with dumbfounded gazes. obviously, they were drunk.
i ask, "so what is going on tonight? its 5 bucks right?"
the blonde leans in and unknowingly shouts her response, "no, its $15. i think Jurassic Park is here."
i was thinking to myself...wow. jurassic park, huh? thats amazing that the whole damn park could be transported into that tiny little club.
i'm kidding.
using my excellent intuition, i figured that she meant Jurassic 5.
not only were they drunk, i forgot to add the word dumb.
i head inside with zero dollars after the door person stamps my hand with this neon glow image. incredible. $15 for entry into this dirty hole in the wall.
i looked up. the place was packed. no one could move. it looked like a bunch of struggling fish trapped in a net. it was awful. there was a jungle of drunk people in this terribly dim bar. it actually ended up looking like Jurassic Park. maybe the blonde was right.
J5 did a pretty good set. that is, until the most embarassing moment of my life happened. i danced on stage. i slipped on a puddle of beer. i fell like an idiot. keep in mind this was with a packed house. i could provide more detail on this, but i'd rather not.
my friend fell asleep in his car. i fell asleep on the sidewalk. i got home at 5am. slept. woke up at noon. went to work half drunk. was mean to my students. i am such a good role model for those kids at my private school!
